When did your struggles begin?

I grew up in suburban upstate New York. My mother and stepfather raised me. We were the disadvantaged family in a privileged town, and I was aware of that very early on. Unfortunately, I internalized things like shame, disappointment, and ownership of others’ feelings, all of which would translate into a debilitating addiction later. I remember many defining moments in life that would reinforce those defeating belief systems. Those lessons followed me throughout early childhood and into my teenage years. I never quite felt like I or we were good enough for the world.

Adverse experiences early in childhood helped to cultivate self-hatred and shame within my core. Without any interventions from school or at home, I developed an eating disorder by the age of 12. When starvation didn’t provide the release that I needed, I began to cut myself. I had a serious suicide attempt at age 13 and continued to suffer in silence, never knowing how to ask for help.

As a child, I truly felt that if I could just convince the rest of the world that I was “normal” and okay, then maybe I would be. I spent a great deal of energy creating a facade to bury my pain. Despite all of the intrinsic turmoil bubbling under the surface, I still managed to make honors classes in school. I played a varsity sport, wrote poetry, and went on a missionary trip to Africa. No one knew the battle I fought every day. No one saw the struggle I was losing. No one stopped to ask if I needed help because I did my best to cover it all up.

How did you start abusing drugs?

When I was 15, I turned to alcohol and drugs as a way to escape from all of the emotional pain I was hiding. I’d grown up very anti-drug, ironically, but the more insecure I felt during those awkward adolescent and teenage years, the more of a need I had for social acceptance. I was with a group of friends when I first tried alcohol that was snuck from the liquor cabinet of someone’s parents. Soon after that I was introduced to marijuana. Before long, I was experimenting with prescription medications and opioids. I didn’t use every day in the beginning, but I used when it was around. Eventually I was using heroin, breaking every taboo and limit I had ever set for myself. I had gone too far, but I didn’t care anymore. Eventually my parents knew of my use and fought with insurance companies to bring me to detox and rehab programs, but I would just sign myself out. I was too afraid to stop.

My first real withdrawal was at age 17. Opiate withdrawal is the worst thing I’ve experienced in my life. Seven days into withdrawal, I shot up for the first time. Soon after, I was raped when I was most vulnerable and became passively suicidal through my drug use. I would mix any substances just to make my feelings numb. I don’t remember much of the next couple years of my life. I was determined to never experience such pain again. My life had become something from a movie — not the type of movie with a fairytale ending.

What motivated you to make a change?

I was arrested when I was 19. I was forced into detox in jail, and there is no doubt that it saved my life. After waking up for the first time from the four-year-long nightmare that I was living, I finally saw what I was doing to my life. Call it a spiritual awakening, an epiphany, or just my neurons finally starting to fire again, but suddenly I knew that I didn’t have to live that way anymore. I didn’t have to be defined by addiction or pain, and I was determined to find a new way.

I spent the next two years of my life in different treatment programs learning how to live life. I wasn’t rehabilitated, I was habilitated. Before treatment and recovery, I had no template for how to deal with emotions or life, and it took a long time to learn what it means to really live.

How has your life changed since getting sober?

At age 19 and nine months sober, I was healthy enough to hold my mother’s hand when she passed away from cancer; I was able to be present with my family when they needed me most. Sobriety gave me that, and recovery continues to give me strength and a life beyond measure every single day.

After facing my fears and becoming willing to accept change, my life has become a fairytale after all. I started my own beautiful family, began a career that I love, went back to school, regained the trust of my loved ones, and have a positive impact on the lives of others. Through my work with Young People In Recovery, I get to spend my free time helping other young people who are struggling the same way that I once did. I truly understand the importance of giving back what I was blessed with because so many in my shoes don’t get the chance to walk a different path.